


I Think Of You Now And Then

by DefaltManifesto



Series: Adapting [1]
Category: Hollywood Undead (Band), Hollywood Undead RPF
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen, Past Fictional Suicide Attempt, Platonic Cuddling, Swan Songs Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-03-19 08:29:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3603309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefaltManifesto/pseuds/DefaltManifesto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, secrets spill out between them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Think Of You Now And Then

**Author's Note:**

> ALRIGHT. SO. The attempted suicide mentioned in this fic IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL TO MY KNOWLEDGE. I just thought that needed an all caps disclaimer alert. 
> 
> Also no slander or libel intended. 
> 
> Also this is going to be a 5-part series centered around Danny. I'm not sure if there will be smut or not, I'm playing it by ear. Most the parts are going to be right around 2k or less. 
> 
> Title taken from Gravity by Hollywood Undead.
> 
> Comments are appreciated as always.

[The tumblr](http://schizzar.tumblr.com)

 

Knowing someone and going on tour with someone are two completely different things. To say Danny is nervous about taking over Deuce's role would be a vast understatement, but he's been friends with Jorel and Charlie for years so it seems wrong to say no. He's not a hesitant guy. He's done too much and seen too much, but that doesn't mean he's above being human. Everyone feels weird in new situations. Coming into the tour halfway through puts a strain on his voice he's not used to, so while everyone else goes out after the show, Danny crawls into his bunk and drinks a mug full of tea and honey.    

One night though, Jorel follows him back to the tour bus. Danny thinks he's just going to change and head back out, but then he shoves Danny away from the kitchenette and starts pulling out his mug and cheap, boxed, dollar store tea. Danny leans against the counter and raises an eyebrow as Jorel wordlessly fills the mug with water and sticks it in the microwave.

"So is that for me or are you just stealing my shit?" Danny asks.

"It's for you. I'm staying in tonight myself," Jorel says. "I'm just tired and you look run down so I dunno. Figured you need to be taken care of too."

"I can take care of myself just fine," Danny says, then winces when the line of Jorel's shoulders grows straight and tense. "Not that I mind. Just don't feel obligated, you know?"

"It's nothing like that."

For a few moments, the only sound is the buzzing of the microwave. Jorel won't look at him; he just stares down at the counter. It's completely different from his behavior on stage, none of the energy or elation. Danny isn't sure if what he did on stage was faked or not, and he's not sure if he wants to ask because as close as they are as friends, this feels like weird new territory. He's not sure what the boundaries are now.

"Are you okay? You haven't really...talked about Aron or any of that. Like, I'm not about to leave or anything, but you never really said what happened. You seem...something more than tired," Danny says.

Jorel pulls the mug out of the microwave and drops the teabag into it and then rummages through the drawers for Danny's stash of honey. "I don't know how to talk about it."

Danny stifles a frustrated sigh. "So you're just going to keep being two different people? One on stage and one here?"

"I always am," Jorel says, shoving the bottle of honey into Danny's hand.

"Well, obviously. But you're happy on stage, right? It's not bad to be happy when you aren't in front of a crowd," Danny says.

"I'm gonna go change."

Danny scowls at Jorel's back after he turns and heads for his own bunk and the closet he shares with Charlie. He realizes that he and Jorel aren't best friends. He was more on the periphery of their circle of friends when he first met them in their early twenties. He remembers being jealous of how tight Aron and Jorel and Johnny seemed. He had his own close friends at the time. He still does. But he wants to help and he's not sure has the right to when he's never been as close with them as they have been with each other.        

The weird thing is, he's only been on the road with them a little under a month, so he hasn't had the time to really have anything with them that isn't superficial. He hungers for more than that because he's surrounded by people, but feels more isolated than ever because he feels like he's walking on eggshells.

The tension is more obvious in Jorel. For all his brashness, Johnny wears his emotions on his sleeve, carrying the anger at Aron's departure like an armor to keep people from asking questions. Jorel's emotions swing hard and fast. Danny likes the closeness and warmth he feels when they're on stage, but the moment they leave, it's like a door being slammed in his face. He knows it has something to do with Aron's departure, but the thought of pushing more than he already has...

Yeah, Danny's not looking to jeopardize his position.

He removes the teabag and squirts a good dose of honey into the mug. He's just finished stirring it in when Jorel reemerges dressed in clean, baggy sweats with the hood of his sweatshirt pulled up. He knocks his hip into Danny's as he walks passed him to his own bunk.

"What're you going to do tonight?" Danny asks, following after him.

Jorel rolls into the bottom bunk. His is rather neat. He meticulously makes his bed every day even though Charlie lets his own above Jorel's get messier and messier. Jorel stretches out on the bunk and closes his eyes. After a moment of hesitation, Danny takes a seat on the floor near Jorel's head and begins to sip his tea.

"I guess sleep," Jorel says. "Not sure what I should really be doing with my free time, you know?"

"What do you mean?" Danny asks.

Jorel shifts onto his side, rolling away from Danny. "I don't know man. I used to do music with my free time, but that's what I want to get away from because music is what I'm doing _all_ the time. I guess I'm not sure what relaxing is supposed to look like now."

Danny almost doesn't say anything because it's the first time Jorel has said something so vulnerable to him. He doesn't want to say the wrong thing. He doesn't want Jorel to slam the door in his face again.

"I mean...I don't know what I'm doing at all," Danny says. "We're still figuring this out right? Things are in the middle of changing."

"Yeah, too much is changing. I thought...the things I thought would never change have. Doing these shows is the best thing I've ever done in my life but shit, I just feel..."

"Lost," Danny finishes. "Yeah, I get that."

"What do you mean you get it?" Jorel asks.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I kind of feel like I don't belong here. I don't blame any of you, it's just that I don't fit in the way I'd like to."

"I'm sorry. It's just not a good time," Jorel says. "We like you. _I_ like you. It's just hard to..."

"It's fine. You don't have to explain," Danny says before taking another few sips of tea.

"No, I do." Jorel shifts again on the bed and Danny can see out of the corner of his eye that he's rolled onto his back. "You've uprooted your life for us. The least I could do is explain why we asked you to."

"I won't deny that I'm curious. Didn't really want to trust the Internet to give me all the right answers."

Jorel snorts. "Yeah, Aron's been kicking up a shit storm." He's silent for a long few moments and Danny wonders if that's all he has to say. "I never thought this would happen. I always thought we'd get signed and that'd be it, because that was the hardest part. Aron was the one thing I thought would be constant. Everything else could change but he was the one I always thought would still be right where he always was."

"He was your best friend."

"He still is." The words are so quiet Danny almost misses them. "He's always going to be, you know? I could never talk to him again. I could hate him, hell, I _do_ hate him, but he's still my best friend. I can't just forget all the good things he's done for me or all the times he's...saved my life."

Danny sets his empty tea mug aside and stares ahead, not wanting to turn and look at Jorel and spook him into silence. "Are you scared? Are you scared that because he's gone now, there's no one to stop you?"

"It's not that," Jorel says. "I'm better now, mentally. I have been for years. It's more like...I don't know how to hold these two separate people in my head at the same times. There's the Aron I grew up with and there's the Aron that says stupid shit about me online and just...seems to hate me."

"The world is complicated."

"Yeah."

"Sorry I don't have any good advice," Danny says.

"I'm shit at listening to advice anyways," Jorel says. "Just...I'm sorry if it feels like we aren't being welcoming or whatever. It's kind of hard to be super open when the one thing on your mind is the last person that fucked you over."

"It's fine."

"It really isn't, you need to stop saying that it is," Jorel says. "Don't let us walk all over you dude."

"I guess we'll figure it out as we go," Danny says, hoping he doesn't sound too optimistic.

"Yeah, probably, and like if you need something...just tell us okay? I know we're not all that observant right now, so I'm serious, just, if we piss you off or something let us know, don't let it just build up," Jorel says.

Danny runs his fingers over the rim of his empty mug. "I guess I just don't feel close to you guys and I wish I did. I get that I can't like, force that sort of thing with people though."

"Well, no, but..." Jorel trails off, then grabs the back of Danny's shirt and starts tugging.

"What-"

"C'mon-"

Danny relents and lets Jorel haul him up onto the bunk. It's small so they end up stretched out on the bunk close together side by side with Jorel's face tucked against Danny's chest. He hesitates at first, then lets his arm drape over Jorel's waist. It should be weird, being so affectionate, but that's not because Danny doesn't _want_ to be; quite the contrary. All Danny ever really wants to do is hold the people he cares about. It's why he feels so lucky to have found Theresa because she's the only one he's met that's just as affectionate as he is and doesn't mind tolerating his neediness. He's been restraining himself on the tour, unsure of the boundaries. Now he knows what they are though.

Danny lets his eyes slide shut and his exhaustion pull him under.

 

-.-

 

It's not like it becomes a thing he and Jorel do all the time. Some nights they both go out with the others, and some nights Danny ends up staying behind with someone else from the band. Danny is beginning to learn when he can expect Jorel to join him. Jorel always sings and plays his music with such passion that it gives Danny chills, but some nights, Jorel is almost manic in his energy and those are the nights Jorel follows him back to the bus and insists on making Danny's tea. Danny really can't complain.

Once Danny finishes his tea, Jorel usually tugs him onto his bunk and they twist around each other until they're comfortable. Sometimes they fall asleep and they're wakened the next morning by Charlie's teasing remarks.

Sometimes, secrets spill out between them, words that never see the light of day and take up residence in one another's minds instead, the only hint of their existence being reflected in their gazes if they look at each other for too long.

_I love Theresa so much it scares me sometimes._

_**I miss Aron. Everything feels wrong without him here.** _

_Some mornings my daughter feels like the only reason to bother getting up._

_**I almost killed myself when I was fifteen. Aron stopped me. It took months for me to forgive him, but I'm so glad he was there.** _

_I wake up some nights and I can't sleep because I'm scared of the world my daughter will grow up in._

_**I wonder if he still cares. I wonder if I still should.** _

_I just want to be useful._

_**I just-** _

_Want to leave-_

_**My mark** _

_On the world._

_**I-** _

_Just-_

**_Want_ **

_To-_

_**Matter.** _

****

-.-

 

Jorel begins to smile on stage more. He always looks surprised when it happens, like he's forgotten what a real smile was supposed to feel like. Danny likes seeing it on him.

He hopes he sees it more.


End file.
